Starting out for a simple walk yesterday, I listened for whatever truths may come.  Restlessness overcame me.  As the walk continued, the depth of this restlessness sank in.  I didn’t want to stop walking.  I didn’t want to turn around.  The walk continued, out of familiar surroundings.  Looking forward, not wanting to turn back.  New grounds, new adventures await, on the horizon.  Where could the trail lead?  What is beyond the forest line?  A vision returned that was given last weekend.  A trail in the wilderness.  The entrance was thick with trees.  A dense forest.   It lead straight into deep and mysterious places, up a mountainside.  It seemed so curious, and so beautiful.  He was there, inviting me in, wanting me to join Him on an adventure up to the top.

In that moment, walking on down the street, it struck with force.  This is who I am.  This is a part of my inner design.  All those evenings looking out the window.  All the times traveling away with no one else, a lone adventurer.  Looking for something just out of sight, calling, tugging at heart strings.  Always there, like the water beating against the shore, breaking down barriers, eroding walls with its soothing yet powerful form.  Like the wind, swaying the trees, yet unseen otherwise.  Random, yet perfectly coordinated.  So many questions, when time is allowed to slow down, they surface.  Many needed answers, don’t you feel the need to discover them?  Let time stop, and the storm in our minds cease for a moment, to hear and understand not only ourselves, but these mysteries that connect us all together.  You, and I, are very different.  Lets reveal these unique qualities that make us unique beings, and in so find what shall bring us peace to our souls by pursuing that which we have been designed to accomplish in ways no other person ever could.

Matters of the heart sometimes manifest themselves in different ways, more subtle to outward observation, but having far more lasting impactful impressions on our direction in life.  What I heard plain as day was this: I want to change your persistent attitude that tears down and destroys to one that builds up.

Upon hearing this, I was bewildered.  I couldn’t believe my ears.  What do you mean, “Tears down?”  Me?  I am positive.  Energetic.  I have gone through health challenge, and family challenges, and overcome the hurdles of life with persistence and dedication.  I don’t challenge others.  I give them the benefit of the doubt.  Compared to many, I think I pretty darn good at always looking at the cup half full.  Tears down, can you be serious?  That couldn’t have been you speaking, must have been a random thought.

I don’t compare you to others.  To take the next step, you must take on a new attitude.

Then, slowly, I started to understand.  There are many areas I am negative.  Constant fear, constant doubt.  I look at others…. and the first thought towards an unknown person is extreme doubt in who they are.  I judge the book by its cover.  The further I walked, the more I realized how deep into my soul these trends run.  Deep rooted negativity, keeping me from true transformation.  How deep it runs.  The streets grew dark.  It made sense.  Where do I begin?  It seems so… pervasive, in so many areas.  Then I saw the need.  A great, huge, need that only He can fill.  Yet another reason to follow you.   The deep, deep fear runs in my veins, keeping me from living a vibrant life of faith.  How deep it is, even affecting my body.  Every element of my being is affected by this negative inner attitude.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart.

I see you Jesus, standing there at the beginning of the path.  It looks lovely.  The sign calls.   You standing there, just looking at me, with patient and loving eyes.  What say you, my heart?  Will you entertain the thought to allow your imagination to be filled with these wonders?  You gaze at me, longing to show me new things, experience a life of vibrant love, and purpose.  More than anything, I feel your desire to just talk to me, share with me your thoughts.

Such a fool am I to walk everywhere but in your direction.  I have been longing for a life outside of you, thinking I can still live for you somehow while pursuing my own agendas.  And where would it get me, for my desires would destroy not only those I love, but those you have given good gifts to.  Who am I, to do such a thing?  I am lowly, and lost.  You are still gazing at me, with a smile, and with acceptance.  You amaze me Lord.  Who am I?  Why?  How can you still be here?  Years, Lord, years.  I haven’t given you any reason to wait so long.

I cling to a life that would destroy others and me, but you still must have some kind of faith that I will return to you.  To surrender my heart to you.  I live in a world that does not exist, and never should, though I long for it.  Is it time for me to let go?   Finally give in to the call, to your arms that will never disappoint?

I know I am foolish for clinging to such fancies.  They are born out of the need for connection, and love.  It has been too long, my Lord, since I have felt such love.  Perhaps that is why my desire and imagination take me to places to fill these needs.  What would it be like, to walk down your path, and let my imagination become consumed by you?  Where would you take me?  What changes would happen?  I quickly get lost in wanting to know 5 steps ahead, when you ask me to simply take one step at a time.

Oh to walk in your fields of beauty.  Seeing the world with your eyes.  Experience a heart overflowing with an unimaginable love.  Such things are beyond my current understanding.  What do I have to lose?  Only my current imagination.  Is it time to let that go finally?  Live in a new world?  Enter a new life?  What adventures await, for with you there is never a dull moment.

So I pause in my life, to imagine a new life… with you… leading the way.  Could such a life be discovered?  You seem to think so.  This hope within has no other explanation.  Its fascinating, how persistent you are.  Letting it all go seems very liberating.  These weights are awfully heavy, and I tire of a long wait carrying them.  I am sensing the end of one path, and feeling you say my journey down this way is coming to an end, so that a better journey can begin.  Lessons learned, and emotions heavy on my heart, I feel your call, and imagine new possibilities.  I pause to fancy a new beginning….

Relationships are a tricky area to master.  People, themselves, are difficult to really know.  Which brings me to the question, who do I really know.  I would like to say my family, my wife, my daughters and son.  My close friends.  But lately, I don’t believe I really know anyone.  It is impossible to know what is going on in the heart of another.  What they are going through.  What inner decisions they have made.  What their true strengths, and vulnerabilities are.  What they are designed for.   What would really touch them deeply to the core.  What would make them change, grow, in powerful, life changing ways.

I will not pretend anymore to know anyone, not even myself.  For some of the things I never thought about myself are true, and some of the things I never dreamed were in me exist.  What then, am I left with, and what can I confide in?  I must trust in the One who knows the hearts of men, because I definitely have no authority at all on the subject matter.   May He tell me what to say when with what tone, and may I be always listening and obeying.  For through me others heart can be touched in profound ways, including my own.

“Let it come,” I thought.  So many challenges, could this truly be my enemy?  In a constant struggle in life to find peace, maybe it is time to stop running from everything that could destroy me?  This creature may want to help me.  It may be a part of myself I need to embrace.  Oh, that confusion and doubt may flee from me!  Let it find me right here.  I will not try to evade it.  Whatever it is, it is surely something I must face.  If it doesn’t kill me, it will make me stronger.  Lets enjoy this moment.  Gazing up into the blue sky, I simply tread the water peacefully, letting life pause so that a moment of pleasure and joy be found in it.  There will be many battles, but fighting with this creature is not one of them.  Time to let this one consume me.  I let my chest fill with air and float still on the surface of the lake, eyes closed.  The waters are still, and serene.

What an interesting dream.  My dad represents my own struggle with workaholism.  Try as I might, I cannot seem to overcome this struggle.  It brings other struggles to the table also, since it keeps my heart from full devotion to God.  That is the struggle for desiring other things.  Katy represents this.  Trump signifies the one who has this all figured out, especially when it comes to the area of business and working nonstop.  His story seemed to be his answer.

This is my challenge, my giant.   Being someone of extremes, how can I find peace and balance?  Where is the line.  How I long for the mountains!  To flee and never return to the world of practical matters.  I want to ascend to your side, and remain with you in the clouds.  These daily issues wear on the heart, and erode the senses.  Or is there some grand goal in your design?   Why must I toil so long, in what seems like all the meaningless ways?

I remain ever knowing in greater ways that I am a man highly in need of your interaction, your guidance, your love.  I live for encounters with you.  My heart seeks your approval, and your life.  Its the inner journey that I more concerned with, so rid my of all these distractions Lord!  Keep me steadfast on the narrow path, and let my devotion be to you alone.